Finding Gratitude Beyond Fear

Time to admit I am scared.  It isn't as if I have been told I have cancer, but I knew something was wrong, and now we are pretty sure we  have figured it out.  I think I have celiac sprue disease.  Also known as gluten intolerance.  I have had my blood drawn, and I am getting scoped on Tuesday, but for now, I have to settle into the very possible reality of never eating pie the same way again.

But given that food has lost its savor, and no amount of looking at a piece of bread makes me want to consume it, I think it is safe to say something is going on.  Yes it will be hard, but what in life isn't?  And in the long run, I would rather KNOW.  Besides the enemy you know is the one you can battle.  Life is complicated enough without letting this get under my skin.  But it has, after all you can't ignore the fact that my skin looks sallow, my eyes sunken, and my hair is limp and half gone.  I can't ignore the extreme stomach pains, the bloating, and above all else the exhaustion.  A kind of exhaustion that leaves first trimester women in my lack of tracks.  I quite literally struggle just to type these words with any hope at coherence.  And though I succeed, I know it is due to my extreme stubborn nature, and love of words.

The last few months have been a hellish roller coaster of emotion.  After all one of my best friends in the universe has chosen to stop talking to me.  My new friend is a bit odd, and I can't really get normalized in her presence, and my other best friend is in Utah.  And the phone, though it is better than nothing isn't really cutting it, for either of us.  She can't be here to comfort me, and I can't be here without wishing I was elsewhere ... and it was this realization that sent me on my quest,  because where I am is actually a lovely town, despite the stupidity of various individuals, and I need not let their issues determine my joy.

So I am going to fight tooth and nail to find out what is wrong with me physically, so I can take my life back.  Somewhere in the dark recesses of my tired mind there is the knowledge that comes to someone who pays attention to what their body is telling them ... that something is truly wrong.   I have listened, and have been proactive in the testing that I feel very sure will prove my illness is indeed celiac disease.  I will know very soon.