Two Month Arrival

Except for the accidental gluten I found in a corn tortilla casserole at the hospital last month, I have been on my gluten free diet for about two months.  I am feeling like a new woman as my energy begins to return.  Due to the length of time between getting the disease and the official diagnoses, my body had gained a few other problems.  Due to lack of absorption of necessary nutrients, by body tried to overcompensate by messing around with my adrenal glands.  I am currently working with my Endocrinologist to get that problem straightened out.  She thinks once that is done that my body will reboot and the weight loss won't be back breaking work.  For now, I will just try to glory in the blessing of energy, and finally having my body capable of absorbing more nutrients and my thyroid medication ... which also helps with energy.

I feel so blessed to enjoy food, life, and the world around me again.  I remember everything feeling very monochrome and dulled while I was sick.  Everyday was a struggle, and my mood was rarely good.  I still have a way to go before my attitude is back to my chipper self, but I am getting there, and lately there have been more good days, and that has me excited.

My sister, who is currently prego, was diagnosed after deciding to get a blood test since our other sister and me both had it.  I think the diagnoses was harder on her than it was on me.   I really was just so relieved to know what was wrong with me.  I know she is too, but when you have four kids with one more on the way, it is really hard to make the necessary adjustments to live gluten-free.  With her news this means that all three girls in my family have the disease.  I guess I should encourage my brothers to find out as well.  

If my family is any indicator, then the heredity factor is not emphasized enough.  My father was diagnosed late in his life, but looking at our family history it is pretty apparent that my great grandfather actually died of the disease, before it was clear what it was.  However, his symptoms were those of someone with extremely severe and advanced celiac disease, and my father's was much the same.  The only reason my dad survived was modern medicine.  He almost didn't make it and was starving before they figured it out.

The world is a different place than it was only 15 years ago when my dad was diagnosed.  He has been gone for a little over 10 years, and I can't help but think that he would should be amazed by the options we have that he didn't.  With that said, dad was still right, "Rice flour makes a better angel food cake.  There are always potatoes, so it is all good.  Ice cream, it isn't all bad."  Yep, Dad you were right.  

The other delightful thing I have noticed is how much better food tastes to me, and how much more I enjoy vegetables and fruits now.  I am enjoying the adventure, even if the reason for the journey is not one I would have chosen for myself.  This next week it is back to yoga and meditation to relax and gear up for the next leg of this journey.

Really Listening to Your Body

I am vindicated.   Which is just my way of saying that I was right, that 15 years of struggling with my weight, and five years of living in a fog really can be caused by a simple protein with a mission to destroy my well being.  I am joyous at my diagnoses ... not cancer, fibromyalgia, or some other terrible fate ... just the simple straight forward diagnoses of Celiac disease.

The irony of this diagnoses is that my obesity was the reason I was never tested.  My father nearly died of starvation, losing 70 pounds off his already low weight, turning his 6 foot 5 frame into a skeleton, before they diagnosed his gluten allergy, and my sister had a gastro-intestinal war zone to alert her to her problem.  Despite the obvious family issues with the disease, I was never tested because my doctor believed that obese people couldn't have the disease.

I have since discovered that almost half of all Celiac patients are overweight, some are even morbidly obese.  I fall into that category.  People say I carry my weight well, but they are just being kind.  The truth is that I have a lot of self loathing due to my weight.  I am hoping that going gluten free will be the key to the weight loss that has so thoroughly eluded me before now.  I did have a short stint about 10 years ago where I got off all but 10 pounds of my extra weight.  Looking back now I realize it was because I never ate gluten unless I was eating out, and as a grad student I didn't do that very often.  My diet was mostly white fish and chicken, with either rice or potatoes.  There was always a salad, or fruit and vegetable as well.  This of course means that my gluten intake was nigh unto nonexistant.  Of course I walked everywhere too, but really the biggest factor to my weight loss was good food and yoga.

So that is my plan.  As of today, I am going gluten free.  Completely no holds barred.  I don't see the point in weaning myself off, since it makes me so sick.  I am looking forward to taking my life back from the protein that has taken far too much of my life already.  As of today I am declaring war on gluten (yeah, I know it is cheesy ... actually flour-y ... yeah yeah)

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and my husband will be working so we are delaying our celebration until Saturday.  He is on the bandwagon, and is going mostly gluten-free with me since he is Type II diabetic and will probably benefit from the lifestyle change as well.  He will probably eat the occasional sandwich, but our meals together will be gluten free.  I love that he is such a great support.  So Saturday I will eat my pie with a pecan and walnut crust, and cornbread not normal stuffing with the turkey.   I am sure that this will taste as good if not better than the original pie ... I will miss Mom's stuffing, and pie crust, but the sacrifice will be worth it when I feel great and look better.  Gluten free ... here I come.

PS ... I knew I loved Boar's Head for a reason ;)

Finding Gratitude Beyond Fear

Time to admit I am scared.  It isn't as if I have been told I have cancer, but I knew something was wrong, and now we are pretty sure we  have figured it out.  I think I have celiac sprue disease.  Also known as gluten intolerance.  I have had my blood drawn, and I am getting scoped on Tuesday, but for now, I have to settle into the very possible reality of never eating pie the same way again.

But given that food has lost its savor, and no amount of looking at a piece of bread makes me want to consume it, I think it is safe to say something is going on.  Yes it will be hard, but what in life isn't?  And in the long run, I would rather KNOW.  Besides the enemy you know is the one you can battle.  Life is complicated enough without letting this get under my skin.  But it has, after all you can't ignore the fact that my skin looks sallow, my eyes sunken, and my hair is limp and half gone.  I can't ignore the extreme stomach pains, the bloating, and above all else the exhaustion.  A kind of exhaustion that leaves first trimester women in my lack of tracks.  I quite literally struggle just to type these words with any hope at coherence.  And though I succeed, I know it is due to my extreme stubborn nature, and love of words.

The last few months have been a hellish roller coaster of emotion.  After all one of my best friends in the universe has chosen to stop talking to me.  My new friend is a bit odd, and I can't really get normalized in her presence, and my other best friend is in Utah.  And the phone, though it is better than nothing isn't really cutting it, for either of us.  She can't be here to comfort me, and I can't be here without wishing I was elsewhere ... and it was this realization that sent me on my quest,  because where I am is actually a lovely town, despite the stupidity of various individuals, and I need not let their issues determine my joy.

So I am going to fight tooth and nail to find out what is wrong with me physically, so I can take my life back.  Somewhere in the dark recesses of my tired mind there is the knowledge that comes to someone who pays attention to what their body is telling them ... that something is truly wrong.   I have listened, and have been proactive in the testing that I feel very sure will prove my illness is indeed celiac disease.  I will know very soon.